Nice Christmas. How About You?

Yesterday, I spent the day with my family. None of us got out of our PJs except Lulu, whose jammies got all wet when she was trying out the new toothbrush Santa left her. She changed into the blue jean leggings I gave her and the SuperCool sweater she got from our CA relatives. She looked way cuter than I did, as she should.

Today, I am spending the day with Nana and Poppop. 'Nuff said.

Can't talk about Christmas without mentioning presents, can I? Maybe you can. I cannot. I need a new bookshelf. The Grandpa and Meme sent me books and books and books and books. Yay for books! I am particularly looking forward to reading One Year to a Writing Life: Twelve Lessons to Deepen Every Writer's Art and Craft by Susan M. Tiberghien. My plan is to read a chapter a month for the next year (because that's the obvious plan, right?). We'll see how that goes. You know me... I also got a SLOW COOKER! A Great Big Slow Cooker. I have one, but it's small and the pot part doesn't come out. My new one (thank you, Moomie!) is 6 qts, has removable stoneware, and came with a tiny baby for melting chocolate or making single servings of soup or something else yummy. If you have any suggestions for what to make in a 1.5 cup slow cooker with just 1 temperature setting, let me know.

I hope you all had wonderful holidays, whatever you celebrate. I know that last year around this time I promised to post more (possibly I even said every day) and that I failed miserably, but this year I have written it into my schedule (a post for another day) so am planning to do better. You too, okay.

Oh! One more thing. You should check out Septembermom's blog Write With Pictures. She posts a beautiful photo every day during the week for you to use as a writing prompt. It's a lot of fun. And, I think, needs way more traffic. Go see her!

Here's a Problem, but Not a Bad One

You'll see over to the right, there, next to my photo (with Pete) that I have been neglecting my writing. Apparently for more than just a few years. Because I realized the other day, as I was preparing for this big deal I'm making out of having free time every day to write starting in September, that most of my writing from when I was young and spry and creative is on floppy disks! That's right. You heard me. FLOPPY DISKS. Does your computer have a floppy drive? Because mine doesn't. Not even an imaginary one, which probably wouldn't help anyway.

Admittedly I could write without the files on these disks (diskS). My miserable little skeleton of a novel in on a flash drive, and the Frog and Fox stories are mainly in my head and the short story that I just recently realized is going to end in a particular way is in a composition book, but what if I wrote something ten years ago, fifteen years ago, that is worth exploring and editing and finishing? I have to know. Wouldn't you?

Don't worry, though (I know you were). I am not going to let this stop me from doing what I want to do. I told the Grandpa yesterday that I have to write because if I don't write then I'm going to feel like I need to find something else to do (some other job, I mean) and I don't want to do anything but write so I have to do it. Also, Poppop, who has everything computer-related that you could possibly need ever or knows where to get it cheap if he doesn't have it already, has a floppy drive and said I could bring my floppy disks next time we visit them and transfer them to CD or flash drive or something so before long I will have everything except the little book I wrote and illustrated in the OSU library when I was 8 and the poem I wrote about spring in the 4th grade.

Some of my best work, those were...

Help Me Out Here

Poppop, Husbandguy's dad, is blind in his left eye. The state still says he can drive and Nana lets him prefers for him to so he does. But the day I watched him pour himself a puddle of orange juice around a glass because his depth perception is nonexistent, I declared that he was never to drive a car with my child in it. At the time we just had Pete, but obviously the rule has been extended to protect our newer sweetie.

I know for a fact that he completely disregarded my concern at least one time and drove with Pete in the car. And I suspect that he did most, if not all, of the driving during Pete's recent week-long visit with them and then convinced her to lie about it. My evidence is this: a. I know they don't agree with, and I don't trust that they respect, my feelings about this and b. Pete said that they were "going to drop Krista off at work and then Poppop said he would drive us around, I mean, Nana is going to drive us around until it is time for dinner." She claims she misspoke, even though I've tried to make it clear that she won't be in trouble if Poppop did drive with her in the car, and she insists that he didn't drive at all. I hate to say it, but I don't believe her.

And unfortunately it's making me not want to let Lulu go for a week, or even a long weekend, by herself. She is only 4 and won't be able to stand up for herself and will certainly be riding in a car that Poppop and his one eye are driving.

Look at it this way with me, for a moment. Maybe I'm wrong and Poppop can see perfectly well enough to drive a 3-ton deathtrap and nothing terrible will ever happen to my children. Or maybe I'm right that he can't but he'll get lucky and nothing terrible will ever happen to my children. But what if I am right and his luck runs out and there is a horrible tragic crash and my child is hurt or killed or has to witness one or both of her grandparents or someone else get killed. I would never forgive them, either one of them because she (Nana) is just as guilty for letting him drive, and this, at the very least, would certainly not be good for my marriage and at the very worst would completely ruin my life.

So? Should I let Lulu go by herself? She so desperately wants to be big enough to go alone and probably won't understand my reasons for not wanting her to, but I'm truly worried. And, honestly, I'm a little pissed off that nobody, not even HG, sees eye to eye with me on this.

Summer Vacation Is Exhausting

Not Your Regular Wednesday Yesterday, Lulu and I got up and went to the water park part of our little amusement park. No wait, first we went to Target and shopped for a bathing suit for me because the suits I have are either old or ultra-modest or both and I wanted to at least show a little bit of my back this summer. We tried on 6 suits in 3 trips to the fitting room. Each time we emerged from the fitting room, Lulu announced to anyone in earshot what was wrong with the suits we tried ("These didn't work. Her breasts were all popping out!"). I love that kid.

(An Aside While I was typing that, a cardinal flew into the kitchen window. I went to check on it, and it was just sitting on the ground. When I turned away to tell Lulu not to let the dog out, it flew away so apparently it was alright. Whew! Poor birdie.)

Sunblock? I sprayed us all over with sunblock, we put on our suits (my new one is really pretty - I'll tell you what HG thought about it in a moment), packed our towels and bottles of water, and headed out. I thought we'd play for an hour or 2, maybe stop and eat lunch in the middle, and then come home, but Lulu didn't want to get out of the pool so we rode the waves for 3 hours, then had lunch at 2:30, then came home. We were in the sun the whole time, minus 5 minutes in the bathroom. I was okay with that, though, because I had sprayed us all over with sunblock, SPF 50 sunblock, waterproof SPF 50 sunblock. Apparently I don't know how to use sunblock, though because we're both burned. Poor kid. Mommy is sorry for the potential future skin cancer. In the meantime, we are becoming very familiar with the blue goo (aloe) and hoping the red ouch will turn tan and not peel. Freckles would be okay, too...

Mom, What's 'Lazy'? We tried out the lazy river. It was how I finally got her out of the pool. It wasn't a lazy experience for me, though, because Lulu is too little for the grown-up-size tubes and kept slipping out of hers so I had to stop us both (that current isn't lazy, I tell you what!) and pull her into mine. We only did that once.

youwanfivedollahsoratowel? We had rented a locker because I didn't want to have to worry about my keys and stuff. Part of the fee was a $5 key deposit and when I turned in the key the guy said, "youwanfivedollahsoratowel?" and I said, "Pardon me?" and he said, "Five dollars? Or a towel," and gestured at the beach towels hanging behind him, that are probably not worth $3 but which normally cost $14.99, and I picked that for Pete because she missed out on going with us again (HG and I took Lulu to ride the carousel on her birthday when Pete was still in school)! I hope she likes it. Lulu really wants to have her week alone with Nana and Poppop later in the summer so Pete and I can go just us then. I love both of my girls (obviously) and like doing things with both of them at the same time, but I really like having them one-on-one.

So Far Summer vacation = fun and tiring-in-a-good-way

How's your summer going?

Peteless

This was supposed to be our first week of real summer vacation. Pete got out of school last Thursday, and despite my whining, I was actually looking forward to having her around all the time. I had planned several fun things for this week. And I'm ready to start her little summer job (the Frog and Fox Project).

But, alas, it is not to be. This week. Nana and Poppop were here last weekend to work on the fence and celebrate Lulu's birthday with us again (I'll post separately about that because it's worthy of its own space, I think), and they took Pete home with them for the week. She's only been gone one day, literally about 24 hours because they left yesterday morning and Lulu and I went out to breakfast with them before they got on the road, and I miss her already, which is weird because I'm used to her not being around during the day so it's not that much different.

But it is. It's different from how I envisioned it would be. sigh...

But she'll be home next week and we can do all the fun stuff then. And Lulu and I can do some of it by ourselves while we wait for Pete to come home. So it's okay.

Next year she wants to go to sleep-away camp. Um...

Time Machine Wanted

I am a reactive person. And impulsive. Those are different enough that I think it's right to list both. Husbandguy isn't good with the foresight either, and neither of us is good at telling the other "no" when something is wanted. This has led to several (hundred) spur-of-the-moment decisions and consequential bail-outs down the road. Like a new car we couldn't quite afford (HG's impulse - Poppop bailed us out) and a For Sale sign in our front yard (my desire - we are just bailing on that). We love the car, still have it and use it way more than we would have the old car, and have learned our lesson about shiny, new-smelling things that we just can't pay for. The house is kind of the same thing, I think. Except in this case, the shiny new thing was a larger paycheck. Why not, then, a larger debt (mortgage)? Right?

We can absolutely use more space. Sure, we can (and will) pare down all the crap we have that we don't need, and the tiny kitchen works, it just doesn't have room for more than 1½ people in it at a time. But the girls and the dog all need a place to run outside, and we, being lazy, decided to take the easy route and just buy a back yard, not considering that, because of the real estate market we would probably have to take quite a bit less money than we wanted to sell the back yard we already have. It occurred to us; we just didn't consider it. You know?

Yesterday I realized that we were looking at it all wrong. Yes, a larger paycheck is nice. Yes, a larger paycheck means that we could have a larger space to call home. Yes, we are constantly stepping on each other and there's nowhere here to go for quiet time what with the giant TV right in the center of everything and always on (don't get me started on that - it's not on now, by the way, because I'm home alone). But we have ⅓ acre of land, and at the bottom of the steep hill that begins a scant 10 ft from the back of the house is a nice flat area. Sure it floods when it rains a lot, and right now it's heavily wooded, but the right people, with a little know-how and a larger paycheck (see where I'm going?) could turn the giant, currently unusable space into a fenced, grassy haven where there could be dogs and children running around safely and perhaps a gazebo (HG wants this) for quiet no-TV time and a swing set. And then when the market turns around and we list our house again, potential buyers won't be able to say they liked the house but want more back yard because it will be beautiful and useful.

My other plan, if this turns out to be too much, is to sell HG's parents' house and move them into this one and get a bigger one for ourselves. But that might actually be more work than a complete back yard overhaul here.

I want to clarify that not all of our spur-of-the-moment decisions have required rescue. We were married within 2 weeks of deciding we really wanted to get married more than 12 years ago. We had been talking about it for a while, but the deed was done lickety-split.

It All Depends on Your Point of View

Two Takes Yesterday (or the day before), I commented to Husbandguy how strange it seemed that exactly 1 week before that we were at the beach and had been for several days. He agreed that it did seem strange. "But also nice," he added. I didn't answer immediately with a vigorous, "HELL YEAH!!" (probably because I didn't feel like it) so he went on about how relaxing our vacation had been and how good the girls listened and blahblahblabbityblah. First of all, I'm not sure whose girls he was talking about and secondly, I think our definition of what is relaxing is more different than I previously realized.

All in the Family One explanation I've come up with for the difference in our experience is the fact that we were there with his parents. I know that I have a much more relaxing and enjoyable time at TG and Meme's than he does. Our families are different. There are times when I find watching television "relaxing" and diverting but not when the first thing you do when you get out of bed or come in the door is turn it on and then leave it on and drool in front of it until you go out again or until you pry your eyes open to stumble off to bed. When it's on constantly, it's just irritating! Also, I personally wouldn't choose to watch football and FoxNewsick all the time (although I didn't mind the Rose Bowl - I did mind that HG's mom wanted Oregon to win but couldn't tell me why she chose them over OSU, but she did change the channel from FoxNewsick when Mike Huckabee promised to talk about abortion and I said, "Can we turn this to something else?"). And I think HG's memory of the girls not fighting, etc. has a lot to do with the fact that they figured out they should ask him if they could turn the TV on in the other room instead of me because he always said yes, even after I'd said no. Of course they're quiet; THEY'RE CATATONIC! Bleh. I wish the condo had been bigger. Or the weather had been warmer.

Plus, Also HG had to go back to work when we got home. Me too, I guess (although technically I was still "doing my job" on vacation), but my work is more rewarding than his most of the time.

But no one got sick and they only made me go to 1 buffet. So while HG may have had a better vacation than me, I wasn't miserable.

MFI*

Warning Prepare yourself for a supremely boring post.

Where Have You Been? I am sorry I have been absent from the blogosphere. I hope you haven't abandoned me. I've been a little busy. Just a little...

On the Market We're selling our house. We spent last week (with Nana and Poppop's help) making it look like a model home. Well, as much as a house lived in by a family of 4 can look like a model home. We did a fantastic job, too. Our house looks awesome. Now if only someone would come look at the awesomeness...

Our Next Home Yesterday we spent some time looking at neighborhoods on the other side of town. I have been hesitant to actually look at houses because I didn't want to find the perfect one and not be able to get it since we still have to sell our house, but there is this one neighborhood that several homes for sale sort of in the area we are considering, and on the map it looks like it's right next to the highway (it is) and we wanted to see what effect that had on the neighborhood (just a little noise). While we were over there, we looked at another neighborhood nearby that we liked better (it has sidewalks!) and walked through a couple of open houses and really liked one and want it and now need our house to sell ASAP because the agent said they're taking the one we like off the market next week if they don't get any offers.

That's That See? Boring. I told you.

A Sad Off-Topic Remember my friend Dawn's puppy Cosette? She apparently has a liver defect and isn't going to make it. I am very sad about that. Poor puppy.

Anyway, I'll try to do better about writing now that we're done cleaning out the house. It would help if Poppop's crappy computer guy would give us our computer back.

*Missing From Internet

Oh, Did I Mention?

The stink and fly problem in my kitchen (remember?) was caused by a deceased mouse (gross) behind the dishwasher. Husbandguy and his dad took it out the day before we had a houseful of guests here for Lulu's birthday party. Good thing, too, because HG's dad said it had maggots in it and so was probably on the verge of releasing a bundle of fresh mutant flies all over the birthday cake. Talk about a birthday to remember!

LL Says:

Lulu was on tonight! She was zinging them out right and left!

My favorite was when we were eating ice cream at an outside table. She looked up and said, "Hey Mom! There's an umbrella! Now a bird won't poop on you!!" (Unfortunately the pooping-on- me thing has happened to me enough times that I usually refuse to sit outside at restaurants.)

The other funny thing is probably more funny if you've actually met Poppop, but I'll share anyway. First, a little background: Poppop has a detached retina in his left eye and, due to the surgeries he's had and other things, his eyelid is mostly closed all the time. Well, Lulu's ice cream cone came with 2 little candy eyes plopped on the top, and after she ate the first one, she held her little cone up to Husbandguy and said, "Look! My ice cream is POPPOP!!" Poor Poppop... Tee hee...

Sorry if you had to be there to really appreciate these little gems, but I had to share.

Have You Missed Me?

Sorry. Nothing particularly interesting has been going on. I mean, I had my birthday and got a Nintendo DS and the Grandpa and Meme got a puppy and it snowed (I think I mentioned that) and I went for an ECHO stress test this morning because I'm particulary sensitive to PVCs, apparently, and they've been bothering me recently (the cardiologist said nothing is wrong with my heart, though), but other than that? Nope. Nada. Oh, and Poppop got laid off, but he's handling that fine. And Pete went with me to church this week and really liked it and will be coming with me next time, too. And the dog stinks, but I can't bathe him until tomorrow afternoon. Also I think he's started eating poop. We might need to talk more about this later. I had a dream last night that I said out loud that I don't want him anymore, which isn't true, exactly, but in the dream it didn't feel wrong to say it. Let me think about this a little more and then I'll try to clarify. Don't worry. Unless Husbandguy insists, we're not getting rid of our puppy. Just day-to-day stuff really. I did find out that President Obama is planning on giving a weekly address and posting it on whitehouse.gov every Saturday, which is the closest thing I've found to the Barack Obama Show so I've bookmarked it. You should check it out.

What have you been doing?

How Would You Say This Passive-Aggressively?

"I signed us up for training classes on Sunday at 3:00 starting February 8th. Please call your dad and ask him to watch the girls for us on Sunday afternoons."

I've worked so hard on just saying what I want that I couldn't even think of a way to say that passive-aggressively. Can you do it? Show me in comments...

Vaca Do-Over

You may recall that we went to the beach at Christmas time last year (if not, click here) and that it wasn't a ton of fun for me because Lulu was sick the whole week. We tried again last week and it was way better this time. Sometimes do-overs work out great. Like one time when we were newly dating, Husbandguy and I were playing pool and I totally miffed a shot and I batted my eyes at him and asked for a do-over and he, being all in love with me then and whatever, said okay and then I cleared the table - that was a great do-over. And this one was pretty good, too, but not great. I'll just tell you the not-great stuff up front and then we can move on. Okay?

Nana showed up at the beach with a cold. Nana is not a particularly healthy person in the first place so this cold, which would have just been a nuisance for most people, sent her to urgent care our 2nd full day there. They gave her a breathing treatment and a prescription for an antibiotic and Mucinex and sent her back to us with the instructions to come back 2 days later for a follow-up and to go to the emergency room if she got worse in the meantime. Well, she got worse, like didn't-get-out-of-bed-all-day worse, and I thought she should probably at least go back to urgent care early if not to the hospital, but it wasn't my decision. So the day she was supposed to go for the follow-up, Poppop and HG took her as soon as she was awake (and I took the girls to breakfast by myself - more about this later, probably) and the urgent care doctors sent her directly to the emergency room where she was fairly quickly (for an ER) admitted with congestive heart failure and pneumonia. And there she stayed. For the rest of her vacation. We went to visit her a couple of days later, well HG and Pete did while Lulu and I saw the ER doctor ourselves about croup. In the meantime, though, and croup aside, the rest of us had a pretty nice vacation.

We ate at a couple of buffets. HG and his family like buffets. I do not. I DO NOT. Meme very astutely pointed out that my quality over quantity preference probably has something to do with my dislike for them. There's more to it, too, though. Like, they're expensive and I don't eat nearly enough for them to be cost effective because I don't like to be uncomfortably full. Especially not uncomfortably full of fatty, lukewarm, overcooked, salty food. Buffets just don't seem sanitary, either. In fact, one time I watched someone who worked at a buffet (not at the beach - this was a long time ago) wipe lo mien noodles back into the pan from the counter thingy! EW! We haven't eaten there since. Or at any buffet, really, except for last week. Because apparently you have to eat at a buffet or 2 when you're at the beach. Bleh.

But that was it, really, for the not-great stuff. Everything else was cool. The weather was pleasant pretty much the whole time. We stayed in a nice condo on the 21st floor with an ocean view from the balcony. We played on the beach several times. I found some pretty sea shells, and Pete took some great pictures (that's hers up above there). We went swimming in the pool. The breakfasts were all good, for the most part. I drove the girls to breakfast once so HG could help his dad with his mom. Then the 3 of us went to the aquarium, and I realized that a year ago I wouldn't have been able to do all of that as easily as I did this time because I would have been all anxious and neurotic about driving HG's car in a strange town to places I wasn't familiar with. Turns out vacation is nicer if you let yourself enjoy it instead of worrying about everything. Pete had an early birthday dinner at Planet Hollywood on New Year's Eve and then there were fireworks. And there was shopping and coffee and other wonderful things.

I think I might see if I can talk Poppop into renting a house for next year instead of the condo so high up. But if we end up there again, I won't complain. Unless we have to go to more buffets...

A Furry Houseguest

This weekend, the family and I went to Nana and Poppop's for 2 whole days. The whole family, even Howie. We weren't sure how he would do because we've never taken him overnight anywhere, and he really is still just a puppy, and Nana has a lot of things that might look like puppy toys all around her house. But he was awesome. From the car ride there, which took a full hour longer than it should have because of Friday Charlotte traffic, to sleeping shut up in his crate, which he doesn't do at home, to not chasing Nana's kitty, in fact almost completely ignoring the cat most of the time (not like him at all). He was on his best behavior all weekend. He did try to play with the kitty's little stuffed mice and barked at Nana the first night when she came back to the living room after changing into her jammies (I think he didn't recognize her), but those were little things. Even Husbandguy, who you may remember isn't the dog's biggest fan a lot of the time, had to admit that he was really good this weekend and would probably take him with us to Nana and Poppop's again.

Once again: Proud of my Puppy!

NaNoWriMo

I was missing April and the challenge of posting a poem a day for a month so I went in search of something similar for the month of November. Turns out, there is a lot going on in November: National Diabetes Month, National Adoption Month, National American Indian Heritage Month, National Alzheimer's Disease Awareness Month, some bizarre holidays, and of course, Thanksgiving. But those things didn't really fit what I was looking for. Then I stumbled across NaNoWriMo. Check it out! Seriously!

Here's the deal - I have from November 1 to November 30 to finish my book. I have to write 50,000 words.

And then the story will be told!

The little tracker on the right is supposed to tell you how much I've written and I'm planning on making it a link to my profile at NaNoWriMo, but as of right now (when I'm writing), it doesn't do either of those things so you'll have to use your imagination (unless it's working when you're reading...). For now, here's a link to me.

(By the way, it occurred to me Friday, in the car on the way to Nana and Poppop's, that my social anxiety has actually been getting in the way of me writing my novel. I had planned on using some personal experience for part of the story telling, and even though it should be a quick and simple 2000 words or so, I haven't been able to write it because of my most likely inaccurate belief that no one will want to hear about what happened to me. So I'm going to remind myself that doesn't matter because if my life does turn out to be uninteresting (and that's for editing to decide - not writing), it can be edited to hold the reader's attention. It's more important to the story to just write it down.)

Misleading

So this store near us called Totally Wine also sells beer. All kinds of beer (except the one I've been looking for), but if we hadn't been following Lulu around killing time before meeting Poppop for lunch, Husbandguy and I never would have gone in there because we don't drink wine. They should call it Almost Totally Wine or Very Nearly Totally Wine or Totally Wine (and Beer) or something. You know?

LL Says:

At dinner with Poppop the other day, we ordered onion rings and when they came, we offered one to Lulu who was busy talking to Poppop. She wrinkled her nose and said, "No. I don't want any." She went on talking for a moment, watching us at the same time, and then suddenly interrupted herself saying, "Oooo! There's dip! I want some!"

You'll have to make the airplane noise in your head.

Yesterday, Poppop took us out to dinner and he and Lulu had this conversation:

Poppop: Can I have a bite of your pizza?
Lulu: No.
PP: Why not?
LL: You... (noticing Poppop's empty plate) you already had your food.
PP: Please?
LL: Okay. Just a little bite.
(LL starts to hold her pizza out for PP to take a bite but snatches it back.)
LL: No. Wait. I'm gonna do the airplane! NNNNNNRRRRR... (waving pizza around as if it is a plane - Poppop opens his mouth) NNNNNNNNRRRR... COMING IN FOR A LANDING!

Phooey!

She's been adopted. Man! We loved her!! It's okay. At least she's got a home.

On the plus side... Well, two things: First, we're approved to get a dog and so can go whenever and pick out an even more perfect new family member. Second, we don't have to worry about the new dog on the 4th. What with the fireworks booming frighteningly and a potential trip to see Nana and Poppop, we were a little iffy about having a new dog. So we'll go Saturday. Early. And be first in line for whatever wonderful lovey needs us most.

Meanwhile, Pete and I are watching the website and have a couple picked out to visit with if they're still there this weekend.

Mother's Day (really long!)

Warning: I'm about to BIG whine complain because I am passive aggressive and don't know how to ask for what I want without sounding whiny needy dumb, but maybe writing it down will make it easier.

When I worked in Big Bank Land and other places where they actually paid me with more than Job Satisfaction, once a year there was a holiday to celebrate me and all that I did, and for the most part my bosses did a good job with the recognition. PSP got celebrated this year, big time (note to PSP, I wasn't sure which of your posts to link to so here's a plug for the whole shebang)! Even though my job description has changed, it's cool because there is still a day to celebrate me and all that I do for no money (not complaining - room and board is cool), and now it's way more important to me because now I do my job 24/7, and I'm pretty good at it (could be tidier, but the kids aren't stinky suffering).

Okay, so my first Mothers' Day six years ago (I know I should just get over this, but you need to know, and I didn't post about it last year because I was still doing that whole boss 1/boss 2 thing), Husbandguy dropped the ball. It sucked. His fabulous plan for my Very First Mothers' Day was to invite his parents to spend the day with us and for him take me shopping for a hairdryer (with his parents), but he didn't tell me about the shopping and I didn't want to have to buy my own hairdryer anyway if it was going to be called a present. So when everyone was getting ready to go out to do something I didn't think I wanted to do (I don't remember what he said it was going to be), I was thinking HG just hadn't bothered to do anything to celebrate me on my day, and I asked to be left behind. I tried to hurry them out the door before I cried, but HG hung around and saw me. It sucked. I felt selfish and stupid and sorry for myself which made me feel more selfish and stupid. I was even more disappointed because I had already set HG's Very First Fathers' Day gift in motion (I took Pete to have portraits made as a surprise), and also, my "present" from his parents was a coupon that I had to spend $50 to use (I wouldn't have cared too much if they hadn't said it was a "present").

HG has done better with the last 4 M-Day's. For the last couple of years, we've gone to the farmers' market and he and Pete have let me pick out hanging planters for the front porch. I love that!

This year, though, I don't have high hopes. Our plan... Well... We're going to celebrate his mom. She's a mom too and deserves to be celebrated and it's fine, but HG's parents don't really seem to care to celebrate me (I still maintain that they put my name on HG's Christmas present so they could claim they got me something* too) and I want to be celebrated. There. I said it. And I don't care only care a little don't care if you think I'm selfish. This is my job, and I love my job, and I want someone to tell me I'm doing a good job, and she's not my mom or even particularly mom-like to me most of the time, and even so, it's not all about her, like our plan would make it. We are planning to get up Super Early on M-Day and drive to their house and have breakfast with them (probably have to buy it) and then spend the whole day at their house. whee. And come home after dinner and get the girls to bed late even though they have school the next day (causing the potential for Tired-Child Issues for me to deal with). Well, I told HG that we needed to be at home for dinner because the girls will need their hair washed and they really should go to bed on time, and now he's all, "I don't know what to do." I had originally said I didn't want to spend the night before there. I don't rest well there. I don't have fun there usually. It was too much. But I told HG that maybe we could go up and spend the night (why? why did I say that?!) since we had to cut Sunday short. But he's still all, "I don't know what to do" because I want to go see a friend and her kids (who we haven't seen in forever and who have experienced divorce and dad-moving-out in that time and I really want to see them) on Saturday after Pete's Guild audition and to go to his parents' house from her house adds a whole hour-and-a-half to our trip. I don't know either. I don't want to go at all.

I want to sleep in and have pancakes brought to me by my girls in bed and get pretty little homemade cards and take a leisurely shower before we head off to the farmers' market to pick out my flowers and a quart of pretty strawberries and something to plant. Barring that, I want a day to lie around all day and watch an old movie and eat whatever and bake something yummy and maybe be taken out for dinner.

HG complained because I haven't given him much of a wish list for what I'd like for a present, and then he got mad when I said I didn't really want a present, I just wanted to be celebrated, and I didn't want to talk about it and left the room.

I'm being selfish. I don't care if you think that. I'm thinking about suggesting I not go to his parents. I took steroids today and will probably be cranky on Sunday anyway. Then they can go whenever and I can do whatever and everything will be fine. They still need to be home for dinner, though.


*If they were really giving us both something, we would have a range that you don't have to tell the oven to turn on 6 times before it actually does, only to heat up to 25º less than you requested, and that doesn't reset the timer if you need to adjust the temperature, and that doesn't try to reset the clock or set a timed bake cycle once you almost convince it to almost let you set the timer. Same price - maybe less - something we needed and I wanted.